As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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