His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
