It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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