not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i may or may not be watching the land before time
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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