You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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