Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
