Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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