the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
