My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
