i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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