I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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