I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
