took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
