I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
