Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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