Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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