Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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