RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
