There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
