i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
