Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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