Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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