his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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