I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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