I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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