the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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