im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
