I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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