Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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