then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
