good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
