textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
