They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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