I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize