I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
