well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
