Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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