it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
