I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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