I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
