I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I don't deserve a penis
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
