That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
