went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You were trust falling into bushes
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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