i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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