My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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