You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
