How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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