does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
