your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
