Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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