How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
