she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
