I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
