I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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