I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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