A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
