My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
