Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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