The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
